Alton Towers – There’s no place like it on Earth!

(This blog was originally written on Myspace)

So, I went to Alton Towers on Wednesday! After many many years of moaning at family and friends (I’m not joking, those of you who know me know that’s true), I finally got to go again! Despite my love of theme parkage, it had been nearly TEN years since my last venture to the Towers, and the thought of going and running around like a retarded, but wonderfully excited child made me all happy ways in my belly.

My friend, Grant, picked me up at stupid o’clock in the morning and that’s when the three-hour plus journey to the park began. We stopped at Stafford along the way to pick up my other pal, Nicholas, so he could share in the fun. We arrived at the Towers and to my horror discovered that both the monorail and skyride weren’t working. This disturbed me most of all because that meant that we’d have to walk everywhere, which is no good to someone as unfit as me. Dammit, I want my adrenaline buzz with as little physical effort as possible! Is that too much to ask?

My initial excitement at finally being at Alton Towers carried us at pace to Gloomy Wood and our first ride, Duel. When I was at the park last it used to be the haunted house. In the intervening years they’ve added laser guns to the ride and you now roll through the house shooting stuff. It was fun, if just for the weird sounds coming out of the (nichol)Arse who was sat next to me (something he would do on EVERY ride the WHOLE day). From there we moved on to the Forbidden Valley where we rode Ripsaw, a flat ride where you’re strapped in to one of two rows and tossed, swung, and flipped around. We then encountered our first of very few queuing experiences when wanting to ride Air. After twenty minutes or so we got on Air, the coaster where you hang below in the position as if you were flying like Superman. It’s an enjoyable ride, but lacks that something to make it special. Nemesis is also in Forbidden Valley, but it didn’t open til after twelve.

We moved on, crossing through Alton Towers garden valley type area. Walking down was fine, the walk up nearly killed me. By the time we reached the top, I was sweating like a really quite sweaty thing. We went on to Hex. After some wanky build up aboot a curse and a killer tree or something, you get to the ride which, to be fair, is really disorientating. It was the sickest I felt all day. From Hex, we went to UG land and to ride the newest coaster at the park, Rita, Queen of Speed. The speed at which this thing launches is incredible, but be that or the restraints didn’t fit me properly, it killed my neck. Ouch. Next we got in line for Corkscrew which was the longest we had to wait all day. It may be the oldest coaster, but it’s still a heck of a lot of fun.

We got a bite to eat at McDonalds (where else?), and wandered down to X Sector to ride Oblivion. Being one of the newer coasters, i was surprised that there was no queue at all and we could just walk on. Oblivion is a fairly simple coaster. You are pulled up to a height then make a near vertical drop into a hole in the ground, and that’s it. Despite its simplicity, it’s a bloody laugh, the fall feels amazing and the pressure and temperature difference when you dive into the hole make it unique. We tried Submission next, another flat ride that flips and swings you around, which I enjoyed slightly more than Ripsaw. We went straight from Submission back on to Oblivion, and then we decided to move on.

The next ride we tried was the Log Flume. Watching the folk come off soaked after the big drop at the end, and realising that the person at the front got it worst, we thought we should discuss the riding order. I was all manly man-esque and said I shall go in the front. When it was our time, the ride attendant told us which log to get in and I managed to get there first, securing my place at the BACK of the log like a cowardly custard. Grant got the middle, and Nick had the front. As rides go, the Flume is pretty tame, but us three were childish and splashed water at each other. Come the big drop at the end, Nicholas got soaked, and I was dry. Well, relatively. Seeing as we were all wet, we thought we might as well go on the Congo River Rapids. Again, it’s tame, but the funniest thing was Nicholarse, who kept moving around the dinghy to avoid getting wet, but as he did the one time, with his bottom sticking out comically, he got splashed directly on the bum! If only you were there to see it…

We returned to Forbidden Valley to ride Nemesis. This is still my favouritest ride at the park. It’s a kick ass rollercoaster, plain and simple. You hang below and are taken through some fantastic loops and twists. Brilliant. Next we rode The Blade, which is just a fancy name for the Pirate Ship ride that everybody in the Western world has rode at one time in their lives.

The day was coming to an end, so we did the horrible death march down the Towers’ garden and up again to UG land. We rode Rita TWICE in a row, my neck taking a battering again in spite of my attempts to protect it on my last ride. From there we went back to X Sector and Oblivion for the third and final time. And, for the last ride of the day, we went to Adventure Land to enjoy the Spinball Whizzer. Though it was our last ride, it was the longest we had to queue all day. Spinball Whizzer a basic coaster, but the trains spin independently meaning you’re never quite sure where you’re going and really bashes you aboot. A good ride, but there are better ones to end your day on.

So, that was our day. This blog doesn’t really show how much fun we had (as I’m far too lazy to go into that much detail), but we had LOADS. I hope we do it again sometime soon. Thorpe Park, anyone?

PS On a side note, as we were leaving the park, i got myself a Coca Cola, and i must admit it was the nicest Coca Cola I’ve had in many a summer. It was chilled to the point where lil’ bits of ice were forming in it. Lovely. Mmmm…

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